Bye Hun

Three temps left the Office today. It’s an epidemic. And I don’t blame them. Would you want to work for six-odd quid an hour if you had something better lined up? Neither would I.

#1

Celebrated her 22nd birthday in the Office by crying because she missed her mum. Her mum was back in South Africa. I got her a miniature pack of crayons for her birthday, she was very impressed. Once I swapped her over to someone else’s team (she was petrified of nasty phonecalls, which doesn’t help when you’re supposed to be manning the enquiries line of a large-ish Government body), she was eternally grateful. I also equipped her with Monster. Monster came in a Happy Meal and cheered her up no end. One we put her in charge of filing, the stationery order and away from horrible callers, she was having a lovely time at work. In fact, everything was ‘lovely’. Every phonecall ended with ‘lovely’ (apart from the nasty ones, those ended in tears).

Anyhoo. Today was her last day. I went over to say goodbye. Next thing I know she had burst into tears and is crying on me. I think this was her first job ever. She said she would miss everyone (I doubt that! She is off to work on a cruiseship in the Mediterranean sun, why would you miss rainy London?). I nearly cried myself. Just out of solidarity.

#2

Was with us for a couple of months, but didn’t get a permanent position so her temping agency found her another job. That pays better. Apart from constant singing/sighing, she also delighted with a bewildering array of Darth Vader breathing noses (once her cold had cleared up this stopped) and some very strong opinions on God. She tried to convince everyone to visit her church. Hm. No thanks. We bought a cake for her today. The idea was for her to share it with the rest of the team. We even gave her a little knife with the cake. Somehow, she missed the point, thanked us profusely and proceeded to stuff the whole cake box and the knife into her bag. How awkward. For a split second I toyed with the idea of mentioning to her that she was supposed to share the cake with us. Then I thought of the major embarrassment this would cause, so the cake stayed in her handbag. I hope she is enjoying it as we speak.

#3

A very sudden demise. It is Friday afternoon and she announces via email that she won’t be back on Monday. The email was worryingly entitled ‘News Flash – This Social Butterfly Is Leaving’. Is being a ‘social butterfly’ something to boast about, when you turn up at work in miniskirts and fuck-me-boots on a regular basis? The social butterfly also indulged in overzealous greeting procedures (normal work greetings are somewhere between a friendly grunt and ‘morning!’). HEY HUN! HOW ARE YOU, BABES?. First thing Monday morning, that is a lot to take in. And Hun always makes me think of Attila. Today someone suggested I should have hired an actual Attila The Hun outfit and greeted her back with ‘yes, that’s right’, before offering to make a cup of tea. Worse still, she also called everyone ‘HEY BEAUTIFUL!’. I wasn’t beautiful last time I checked and adding ‘hey’ won’t change that fact either, I’m afraid. And don’t get me started on ‘TA BABES!’. I have left the baby stage about 28 years ago. I am not a baby. Let alone a ‘babe’. Like in ‘A Pig Named Babe’, maybe but in a screeching, belching, stinking and gargling newborn sense of the word. I think not. A rather nasty person suggested drawing a butterfly being squashed with a large hammer on her leaving card. But that would be just plain nasty. So nobody did.

Of course they all promised to stay in touch. Yeah right, as if. I’ve only ever stayed in touch with people from work if I actually liked them. Which is why I sometimes go for lunch with a girl I temped with years ago. That’s because she is good fun and I have a lot of respect for her. I would never stay in touch with work people for the sheer sake of it. I don’t even want them on my Facebook if I don’t actually like them on a social level.

And if I have to ever see another ‘Forever Friends’ greeting card, I am going to kill somebody.