Dear Mr and Mrs Estate Agent,
(… or shall I say ‘Dear Mr and Mrs I. Diot’?)
THANK YOU!
Thank you for taking a massive holding deposit off me on the proviso that I would indeed be allowed to kill myself in the privacy of my own home via cigarette smoke. Thank you for assuring me of this fact in your letter I received last week. I do appreciate the fact you assured me this was not going to be a problem, when I asked you about this three times. Thank you for offering to remove the non-smoking clause from your lovely prefab tenancy agreement.
And thank you for then turning round, a week before I’m meant to move in, and announcing that you’re now not so sure about that part of the contract. Gosh, aren’t you ACE? Thank you for reminding me I am a filthy nicotine junkie and crazed addictive personality. And thanks for putting my holding deposit at stake here. Gee, I do love you for this.
THANK YOU!
Thank you for sending me a long letter about checking out of my old flat. Thanks for reminding me I should really splash out on having the carpets professionally steamcleaned. Despite the fact they were not freshly steamcleaned when I moved in (you helpfully stated on the inventory they were cleaned six months before I even set foot in the place) and despite the fact your amazing contract merely states that I have to pay for them to be cleaned if they are ‘soiled’, whilst at the same time assuring me that ‘reasonable wear and tear’ is not a problem. And thanks for recommending a whole host of cleaning products to me (we recommend that you use products such as Hob Brite for cleaning ceramics and Shiny Sinks for stainless steel sinks). What would I do without you? I’d be polishing off the windows with toothpaste. And thanks for reminding me that you will retain £250+ of my deposit if I don’t have the carpets steamcleaned. You even provide me with the mobile number of your nephew, who happens to be in the carpet steam cleaning trade.
THANK YOU!
And thank you for patronising me over the last year and a half. Thanks to you I know the dangers of suspect leeks in my bathroom. I also know to be alert at all times, because your staff just love to pay a surprise visit. It’s nice to nip downstairs to make some tea to find one of you is already in my kitchen. He even helpfully asked me what I was doing there. Thanks for reminding me that I do still live here. And thanks for your lovely follow-up email to this unannounced viewing exercise. Gee, I had no idea one can utilise a Hoover for anything other than pest control. And a big thank you for losing my original contract and then asking me to hand over my own original copy to you. That’s way better than having to lug four pages of A4 paper to the recycling bin. It really has helped me a lot.
It makes me very sad that our fantastic partnership won’t last for much longer, because, unfortunately, I will have to gauge out your eyeballs with a wooden spoon now. Terribly sorry, but the voices in my head make me do strange things sometimes.
T.E.E.’s “Everything” is Everything You Need
2 months ago
2 comments:
the steamcleaning thing is obviously breaking their contact - i'd write them a letter and say you despute it.
Same with the smoking thing - a strong letter will do.
Both times if they disagree, threaten to take them to the small claims court to recoup the money plus costs (i.e. £20 per letter you have sent them). you're in the right in both cases, so they have to back down.
have already written a stinky letter to them, quoting their own contract etc back at them. all they wrote back was 'we noted your comments'. if they do try to fuck me over with the deposit i may have to take them to court (how does one do that??).
they're such assholes!!!!!
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