Let me check my diary …

I finally got round to purchasing a 2008 diary. No mean feat, these things are either vastly overpriced or they have a Formula 1 theme. I was pleased to locate a little red, inconspicuous-looking model for under two pounds.

And, I soon discovered that this is not just a diary. It is an essential font of all knowledge that I will not be able to live without. On second thoughts, no, I will be able to live without it. Sixty-Seven pages I ended up ripping out of the thing on the tube. SIXTY-SEVEN pages of random trivia.

• CALORIE COUNT

This informs me that an entire rainbow trout has less calories (only 100) than 4 oz of baked bass (weighing in at 287). And that Italian bread (whatever that is) appears to be healthier than a bran muffin (again, define bran muffin) or an entire croissant (as opposed to a broken one?). The dairy makers also unashamedly advertise Cheerios, for it is the only brand name mentioned in the calorie counter. The rest is generic bran flakes (bran. Again. What’s with the bran?) or ‘Rice,Quick-2/3 cup’.

• WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

A useful tool for metric girls. According to this, I am … 66.3 inches high. And no, I am not going to calculate this is feet/elbows/hands.

• QUOTES

We’ve covered the basic diary stuff now, on to value-added SUPERDIARY information. If you’re ever lost for words, this will come in useful.

The vote, I thought, means nothing to women. We should be armed. (Edna O’Brien)

Bats feel proud in the absence of birds. (Japanese proverb)

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? (James Thurber)

I used to be Snow White …but I drifted. (Mae West)

The problem is that many MPs never see the London that exists beyond the wine bars and brothels of Westminster. (Ken Livingstone).

As you can see, all useful stuff to bring up in conversation. And if you don’t want to … Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. (George Bernard Shaw)

• PRIME MINISTERS

You need not be a disgrace at Trivial Pursuit ever again. This will come in so, so useful for pub quizzes and curious tourists as well. Cane ju tall mee whoo wez prame minista een ay-teen-oh-six? – Sure, let me just check my diary, That would be … Weeelleeeaaam Wyndhame Grenvil, feerst berron of Granville. Fantastic.

• GIFT AND ZODIAC INFORMATION

This lists anniversary gifts, but does not specify what they’re for. So if it’s the ninth anniversary of your dog’s dearth, be sure that someone receives ‘pottery’. Interestingly, eight year anniversaries require either ‘bronze’ or ‘electrical appliances’. A nice shiny bronze toaster it shall be. Or a sunbed, so the anniversary victim can bronze and be electrical – the best of both worlds.

And for the really dimwitted, there are helpful explanations of what the symbols for star signs should look like. Confusingly, Cancer is meant to be depicted as a Crab. And how would you depict the Virgin for Virgo without coming across as lecherous? And the Capricorn has been reduced to a humble goat.

• SOME GIFT IDEAS

Picture this. You’re on your way to your aunts birthday. You lack inspiration. You pull out your diary and … so many brilliant ideas. There are Travel gifts (umbrella! Suitcase! Briefcase! ‘best selling novel’!), Food gifts (chocolate! Liquors!), Office gifts (pen and pencil set! Calendar! Heck, how about a new diary!), Home gifts (potpourri! They should be shot for this. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys looking at and sniffing potpourri), Special Occasion gifts (A hobby or sports item! Brooch! Pieces to augment or complete an existing collection!) … and … gifts for the sick. Like ‘an amusing book’. Yes, because someone with a fresh appendix wound really wants to laugh heartily. From the belly. And I’m not sure about the colouring book idea … what if someone lost their hand in a freak accident. So not a good present.

• FIRST AID/SAFETY IN THE HOME

Worryingly, this covers both animal and human bites in the same section. When did you last sustain a human bite that made you worried about Tetanus? It does explain the Heimlich Maneovre though: Strike up to 5 times with the heel of your hand between the shoulder blades. If this does not work, perform an abdominal thrust: stand behind them with your hands interlocked below the ribcage and pull sharply inwards and upwards up to 5 times. Call medical help if this does not work.

• STAIN REMOVAL

This eases us gently into the subject matter by how to remove blood stains. Via chewing gum, chocolate and perspiration, we finally arrive at … the urine stain! Presumably, by the time anyone gets to this stage, they’re likely to have collapsed in an alleyway, blind drunk and their diary is now in the possession of a teenager mugger. But just in case, one may treat with vinegar solution or, ‘if odour persists, sprinkle with baking soda’. Now you know.

There are also sections on how to grow your own herbs, gardening notes, a mileage chart (Zurich to Dukerque, 469), a wine chart, ‘entertainment’, the monarchy, useful web sites and …

• USEFUL TRAVEL TIPS

Never forget the risk of terrorism! There is a global risk if indiscriminate attacks! Even on those places frequented by foreigners! And remember, many terrorist attacks have been foiled by the vigilance of ordinary people.

And they all carried a little red diary.