Meeting groups of people I don’t know fills me with dread. Particularly, when the only thing group members and I have in common is that we happen to know the same person. It was easier before the smoking ban. At least you could sit in the pub chainsmoking when you didn’t know what else to do. I am famously bad at starting conversations and used to kick off with openers like ‘gee! Get rid off that beard!’ or ‘I don’t like your shoes!’. NOT popular. I have almost stopped doing this by now and frequently catch myself uttering the dreaded ‘so what do you do?’. Not great either, is it? Particularly when everyone else is already blind drunk and you instantaneously look like a total bore. I have no idea how many hands I have shaken in my life and how many times I said ‘nice to meet you’ when I proceeded to forget peoples’ names in seconds.
I can’t stand this ‘walking into a busy party where I only know one person’ feeling. I am incapable of chitchat and find it somewhat tricky to laugh along with perfect strangers about whose jokes I know nothing about. At parties, I actively seek out the few people I already know and follow them around religiously, because I simply cannot face striking up any sort of conversation with anyone else. I am probably terrified of coming across like a complete prat. On the other hand, not talking to anyone is likely to be even more prattish.
I used to be ok walking into a gig on my own. I even made acquaintances that way when I first moved to London and didn’t know anyone. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was ever particularly confident (for overly confident people are the most annoying of all), but I did okay. Somewhere along the lines, something must have backfires spectacularly. I tend to sit there, hiding behind a pintglass, trying to look enthralled at a conversation across the table I can’t even hear properly and pray to God I laugh in all the right places.
Either that, or outright hostility towards the unknown. Everyone is dubious until proven otherwise. Now, that is a very childish attitude to have indeed. It should be the other way round. Innocent until proven guilty.
I don’t even particularly care what people think of me. If I did, my life would have probably ground to an abrupt halt a long time ago, because I never really quite fitted in anywhere. I was always to weird, too honest, not dressed well enough and generally too nerdy. So why the heck can’t I be one of those intant socialites? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be one of those idiotic, hollow-brained ‘social butterflies’, because, quite frankly, I hate people like that. I really do. They epitomise everything I dislike about mankind: an obsession with first impressions, an obsession with looks, pub psychology applied to mannerism, a fake smile and a pathological urge to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to be everyone’s friend! I honestly do not! I pick my battles and friends very carefully.
So why do I act like I’ve just been attacked with a stun gun when faced with a bunch of people I don’t know? I’m fine with that concept at work. I cannot do it in a social context. As a result I look like some sort of arrogant, aloof prick without meaning to. Great. Fantastic. And it’s getting worse by the minute. I can never think of anything remotely interesting to say and seem to have this pathological need to talk about a) my job or b) where I live. I don’t even like my job and it sure isn’t a job to be proud of. Its actually a pretty darn uncool occupation. I used to drone on about records and gigs to all and sundry. Now I fear this is likely to bore people to tears. And to be honest, it probably would. Nobody cares that I have signed Bis vinyl, that I used t write fanzines and promoted gigs. Nobody wants to know about my record label that folded many moons ago. I feel like a lost has-been sometimes. Thus, probably best not to share these things with anyone any more in the first place. Keep trap shut. Firmly shut.
When I had a few, I can get annoyingly argumentative. That isn’t good either. Nobody want to hear my hostile views about certain genres of music, dreadlocks, overly girlie girls and how society is intrinsically sexist.
Once I met people a few times, it tends to be okay. But these days everything moves so fast that nobody ever gets a second chance it seems.
I suppose I am basically screwed.
T.E.E.’s “Everything” is Everything You Need
2 months ago
4 comments:
I've been in all the situations you mentioned. In fact this question has been one of the main things I've wrestled with my whole life. "Why can't I be better at making friends and socialising?"
My current thoughts are this... Are you really particularly bad at socialising? Obviously you're not a social butterfly, but are you much worse than the 'average' at it? (And remember the average includes people so bad they always stay at home so you never even see them socialising.) Are you holding yourself to a much higher standard than you would hold others to?
Also, plenty of people do seem quite happy while not socialising. In the past I've thought "if only I could meet some better people to socialise with" or "if only I could improve the first impression that other people get of me". Now I'm thinking that it would be easier to adjust how I feel, realise I'm not that bad at socialising and be happy with who I am and what I've got. (Of course, 'easier' is relative, still a difficult thing to do!)
i'm alright once I got to know people. It's just the getting t know the part that's tricky. Not too worried about first impressions. I tend to not believe in first impressions. I may be presumptuous and judgementtal where certain groups of society are concerned, but once I get to know them, I realise that even people who wear tie-dye can be perfectly alright. Hmm.
Exactly the same for me (except for the tie-dye part). But it's quite rare for me to get *past* the first impressions stage.
odd, i exactly like this at the moment.
i dont feel i can particularly engage people, so i end up just asking random questions about their lives, and avoiding talking about mine. dunno whats happened, i never used to be this way.
i guess it's cos my life is quite boring at the moment - at least you have a horse to talk about!!
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