Don’t you just hate it when blind panic sets in. Happened to me yesterday. The kind that only lets you get two hours sleep and then you’re on the bus to work, because you fucked up somewhere along the line, and you think you may either hit someone or burst into tears for no apparent reason (and no, don’t give me that PMT theory!).
When you think everything is about to come crashing down on top of you, reducing you to a little pile of rubble in the process. Best of all, there isn’t actually any valid reason to panic. Everything is fine. Could be better, but nothing life-threatening. Just lots of little niggly things piling up. You sort out one, two more will appear.
The niggly thing called work. The niggly thing called trying to find a new flat (okay, that is in fact quite a big thing. Someone once compared the moving house experience to going through a messy divorce, stresswise), pony woes, friend upsticksing it to Canada for six months, mother threatening to visit, bills to pay, will Helen Love play Indietracks in the summer?, my friend had a breastcancer scare (and it was only a scare), will I ever be a grown-up?, another friend split up with his fiancé, will he be okay? Am I sending too many text messages? Maybe I should actually ring my friends more often, is it really March yet? And what if my friend is right and my fierce independence will be my downfall eventually?
Nothing too major, really. So why panic? What’s with the insomnia? Maybe I am hooked on minor crises? Hooked on blowing things out of proportion? Hooked on worrying? Like my friend’s mum, who was only ever happy when there was at least a nuclear war going on.
Maybe not quite that bad, but certainly with melodramatic headless-chicken tendencies. Trouble is, I can’t keep the melodrama to myself and am often found embroiled in hour-long telephone conversations, raving and ranting about nothing at all. What the hell is wrong with you?
I don’t know if everyone else has these tendencies, too, but they’re just better at hiding them. Maybe everyone else‘s brain is mental, too. They’re just very good at keeping up the pretence that they’re all well-balanced individuals without a care in the world. Happy fools even. Good morning, and how are you today?
In the meantime, I am trying to thrive on total chaos.
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