I have come to the gruesome realization that I may be a complete bitch!

Oh no! That was the last thing I had in mind! But sometimes, not-so-pleasant character traits creep up on you sooner than you can say ‘What a lovely jumper this is!’.

Yesterday I laughed at the expense of a fellow human being. I did so loudly and uncontrollably. Worst of all, this happened at work. I really should be more careful. Harbouring spite is best done in the comfort of one’s home, or in the company of a select few you know you can trust. Trust not to put you down in the ‘horrible backstabber slagger-offer’ category of friend that is. Those who know you’re really a pleasant and genuine individual who means no actual harm to anyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems telling someone to their face exactly what I think of them. But, as I found out a while ago, you cannot do that in the workplace. And if you feel the urge to do just that, you storm out for a fag and find some dustbins to kick over. And for heaven’s sake, do not express any of these thoughts in a work email! I learned that the hard way when I said something along the lines of ‘God such and such is such a bore!’ in an email and ten minutes later realized that such and such was currently sharing the email account of … the person I sent that too. Cue many icy silences. Mind you, I was proven wrong when that very guy emerged with a massive black eye one Monday morning and it turned out he got into a one-man-fight with a barman. Who would have thought it?

Moving on, yesterday I was supposed to somehow host a temp’s leaving presentation. In theory, this is easy. You just give them a big leaving card (hoping that the people signing it made the best use of the space available and that the card does not look empty) and say some things like ‘Thank you, it was a pleasure working with you!’. Once you get over the embarrassment of such scenarios, it really shouldn’t be that hard to do. In most cases, you never see these people again, anyway.

Yesterday, I got as far as ‘… working with you’. The person leaving had only worked there for about a week and during this period excelled in overusing the words ‘crikey!’ and ‘goodonyamate!’. Helpfully, his voice had a habit of, er, carrying. So imagine sitting opposite a cross between Rolf Harris and Steve Irwin. In a lime green polo shirt. With a limp handshake. And some very interesting opinions. That very morning he compared himself to a tub of PlayDoh (‘You can massage me into any shape you like!’). He also had a habit of calling me ‘Julie’. Now that is not my name. I do not like being referred to as ‘Julie’.

So I hand over that card (a humorous specimen from the local branch of Hallmark), this is where the leaver takes over and says a few words about just how much they enjoyed working here (presumably they are lying. Why else would they be leaving?). Instead, this guy launches into a lengthy pompous speech. There was a lot of pathos. Then. There it was. The space rocket analogy. ‘… and I feel like space rocket who goes skywards too quickly and then fizzles out. Like a bang!’.

At this point I was unable to contain myself any longer. I tried to stop the vicious attack my brain had instore for me. I failed. Instead I developed a rather nasty and unappetizing case of the giggles. The kind that leaves you shrieking, gargling, crouching close to the floor, face a shade of blue, tears and snot streaming down your face. Luckily, I happened to be clutching half a muffin, so I am positive that at least a few people though I was ‘just’ choking on that muffin.

It was bad. It should not happen to a team leader at a team member’s leaving presentation. I toyed with the idea of dragging my sorry self into the kitchen to er ‘laugh it off’, but that would have looked even worse.

And I just know that this guy must have known I was not laughing with him but at him, in a rather obvious fashion. And I am sure my apologies of ‘sorry, but that ‘joke’ about the space rocket was just so funny, thank you for making my afternoon!’ were rather pointless and just made me look even worse.

Laughing at other people is wrong. Everyone knows that. But sometimes, a little gem like this turns up on the horizon and all those good intentions go up the creek. I hang my head in shame (it WAS funny though).