The General Public

In theory, that should be everyone, because we’re all somehow acting in a public fashion most of the time.

In practice, the general public is those who write letters to newspapers, those who form committees and action groups and those who happily sign any petition going. It is also those who enjoy nothing better than lodging complaints and ‘reporting’ anything that moves to whichever Government body tickles the general publican’s fancy on any given day, irrespective of whether the Government body in question has anything to do with the complaint.

Try working in the Enquiries department of a Government body with a very specific remit. Phones ringing all day long. Now, who would ring a Government body with a random gripe between the hours of 9 to 5? That is likely to be the retired, the unemployed and the desperate stuck-at-home-with-ten-kids housewives. Now throw in a couple pf pissheads, some folk with anger management issues and a handful of people who won’t take no for an answer out of principle. And don’t forget the ‘honest, hardworking, taxpaying citizens’. The latter tend to be wifebeating chavs who got into a pickle involving some off milk in the supermarket and beat up the checkout assistant through no fault of their own (‘I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON BUT THIS CUNT WOULDN’T EXCHANGE THE MILK WITHING FIVE SECONDS! LIKE I SAID, I NEVER PICK ANY FIGHTS EVER!!!!!! NOW SORT IT OUT OR I WILL KILL YOU!!!’). Of course, and I am the Virgin Mary and none of you ran up those credit card debts on purpose, and you’ve all had your signature forged by your ex-wife and have no idea why the newsagent won’t give you credit any more or why Thresher’s barred you. Sure thing. You’re all lovely, smart people.

That’s when you’re not pushing me on the bus, shout at the poor girl behind the cigarette counter and threaten GBH to your local’s landlord. Or when you’re not busy yelling at me down the phone, calling me a stupid cow for something that isn’t my fault, remind me you pay my wages (I got news for you, I pay tax, too, MORON) and go out out of your way to make my life hell. Brilliant plan, because giving me verbal abuse will really make me want to help you with your poxy little complaint about how many pineapple chunks should be in that tub of yoghurt you just acquired. WEIRDO!

And when you feel phonecalls don’t cut it any more, you put pen to paper. Did you know that only mad people write in green ink? My personal favourites are handwritten letters with little address stickers full of puppies and kittens on them, with a gold rim. Those are the ones that tend to be full of mis-spelled swearwords like Pastart! Sheet! And Vankar! Innit? And could you please ensure your paper and envelope are reasonably clean? Mystery stains are not a good way to fast-track your response. Like the time when this guy sent in a complaint about ‘erotic prints’ he bought on Ebay, and the letter was full off strange yellowing blotches. Vile! Vile! We ended up wrapping it in clingfilm because it was so foul. Or the time when someone sent in half a pork-pie because it ‘tasted funny’. Do you really think we want to take a bite out of your moldy porkpie? Exactly.

And could you please visit your local library or the internet and find out which Government body you SHOULD be complaining to before approaching the one I work for. I am tiring of re-directing everyone and his dog to the appropriate body, because they were too lazy to find out who does what. It ain’t rocket science. And when you realized you made a mistake, you take it out on me. Thanks for that.

I don’t know where the notion that Civil Servants are not human came from? Neither do I understand why people assume it’s ok to insult/belittle/rubbish Civil Servants. I am not stupid, I do not enjoy verbal abuse, I do know what’s going on and I am likely to have information you could benfit from. And if you shut your cakehole for just two seconds, I might even be able to pass this information on to you. I can be very helpful when I want to be. But I sure as hell won’t be if you continue yelling at me. And refuse to listen to anything I have to say, because you decided I was an idiot before you even picked up the phone.

So next time you need to complain to a Government agency about something, please bear in mind that Civil Servants are people, too, and try to keep it civil.