Bye

My mum just told me you died in an accident. I never thought I’d be googling your name to find out how and why you died. I last saw you briefly over ten years ago. You were wearing multicoloured leggings and were dressed like a rubbish knight for a re-enactment weekend my friend had dragged me to. We ended up getting a lift in the same car home. It was raining heavily and the girl driving momentarily lost control and we nearly crashed into a tree. I hope you did not die in a car crash.

I first noticed you buying chocolate milkshakes from the caretaker at school. I was nearly 15 I think. You were two years above me, hanging out with a guy who, by some bizarre fluke, now works in the same place as my dad. I thought you were quite cool. Somehow, my friend (who didn’t even go to our school) found out I had a bit of a crush on you and engineered a chance encounter one evening. All very juvenile but heck, we were 15. Next came the dubious notion of ‘why don’t I help you with your homework’. Somehow we ended up going out for a little while. People found this hilarious, because, on the face of it, you were not at all cool. You had a tie-dyed jacket, for goodness sake. And almost long hair. You also collected dice. And actually enjoyed listening to Chris de Burgh. Combine this with bottlegreen jeans (this was the mid 90s after all) and you have an ill-styled ueber-geek. Albeit, I did think you were great. Do you still have my East 17 album, by the way?

And you and your friend took me from the school carnival to a hilltop overlooking town in the middle of the night and demonstrated to me how one smokes weed. I felt terribly grown-up. The fact your then stoned friend drove us back to school was probably not so good. You also took me to a rave. I hated every minute of it and your dancing was shit. But, I still thought you were the best thing ever.

I can’t even remember exactly why you dumped me. I do remember getting very upset at first, then I was gutted and then I drank a lot. I’d never been going out with anyone before, let alone get dumped. You went to another school soon after, but I saw you around every now and then, blending into ‘the people you see around’ – this happens when you’re 15, people come and go.

I had not seen you since this knight-re-enactment weekend thing, but I did sometimes wonder what had happened to you. Now you’re gone forever. Google informs me you invented a special smoke alarm and won a prize for it. There is even a photograph of you getting an award for. Taken this year. Oddly, you have the same haircut you always had. Now you’re dead and I don’t even know what happened to you. I hope it was quick and painless and there was no time for you to get scared.

Mikrofisch - Monsters of the Universe

Right, so this is not actually a Mikrofisch album. It is in fact the last Mikrofisch album (Masters of the Universe!) and assorted tracks covered by friends’ bands. What a marvellous idea indeed!

The result is a mixed bag of various German (and Dutch!! The USA are on here, too!) bands, well, interpreting songs. The resident rave track suddenly has a rather shrill flute on it and what appears to be real drums and possibly an acoustic guitar. The song by the USA is, unsurprisingly, very nice, too!

The Kids Are All Shite (this is actually proving popular in German indie clubs!) got a ravey makeover. I can’t make up my mind whether I like this one or the original better (quick recap, this is the one that goes ‘Fuck the Kooks!’ and ‘Are you gonna be my girl – FUCK OFF!’).

My personal favourite is Sechsundneunzig (eg. Ninety-Six!), which is a translated and adapted version of Let’s Kiss and Listen to Bis. Adapted in that it’s no longer about Bis, it’s about Tocotronic, complete with a bit of a Toco intro and some Tocotronic lyrics strewn around. I never heard of the guy who wrote it but I would very much like to phone him up and thank him profusely, because I do like a bit of nostalgia, ahem. I was there, in 1996, in my corduroy flares and Adidas jacket. I own the vast majority of Tocotronic’s back catalogue. I’ve been to a shitload of Tocotronic gigs, heck I even did the pogo dance down the front. Once we all went on a 5 hour train journey to see them play a gig in a disused railway depot. Oops, going off on one now!

Bizarrely, the cover of Drum Machines Will Save Mankind is laced with acoustic guitars and … oh dear … violins I believe. And real ones, by the sounds of it. Someone managed to Belle-and-Sebastian-ify a song about drum machines. Well and truly astounding.

I reckon everyone should try to get this album. You have no excuse – it’s a free download, dammit! And the Mikrofisches are very nice people. One half ran the rival fanzine in my home town 15 years ago, the other resides in London now and I haven’t seen her in ages!

http://www.komakinomag.de/?label:mikrofisch:monsters_of_the_universe

The Crocketts

Haven’t written anything for a while. Just dug out my Crimea album (Tragedy Rocks! It really is rather nice), because Owen from the Crocketts/The Crimea was running Manda Rin’s merch stall the other week. This got me thinking.

I still have my Nintendo Fallacy poster on the wall. It’s ten years old I suspect. I loved the Crocketts. I really did. Bit weird, because it’s not the kind of stuff I’d usually be into. Ah well ….

I sent them a questionnaire for my fanzine many years ago. They filled it in and even made a little drawing for it. After I moved to London, I went to interview them. I was shitting myself, as I asked for a toothless Glaswegian tour manager at some West End venue, the name of which I can’t remember. Much to my relief, my interviewees were Owen and Rich. Davey Crockett was not present. Phew. Because he was right at the top of my ‘most beautiful band people’ list back then. And ahem, I guess he kinda still is! God knows why, he doesn’t even have a full set of teeth. Oh and here’s a nice piece of trivia, he’s DJ Annie Mac’s brother! Anyhow, where was I? The interview! That went well. And I did bump into young McManus afterwards. I was so embarrassed and starstruck, it was pretty horrendous.

These people also had a habit of popping up at the same venues as me for a while. Sometimes they said hello. How exciting!

Then the Crocketts disappeared and the Crimea came along a little later. It was a delight to hear that voice again (I am a bit of a sucker for damaged sounding young gentlemen), I even had a little tear in my eye. I went to see the Crimea play at the Windmill and a couple of other places. It was never the same as the Crocketts and they seem to have gathered a bit of a scary cultish student fanbase that knew all the words to songs that weren’t even released yet. I felt oddly out of place and, most of all, very very dated. So I stopped going to those gigs. I somehow felt I had no right to be there.

Then, a couple of months ago, something really odd happened. I was on the tube, on my way home. The train stopped at Euston. The carriage doors were just about to close when two guys in leather jackets came bursting in with guitars and amps. One of them was Davey Crockett. I smiled at him, mostly because it’s alwas funny seeing people wedge open tube doors and falling into the carriage with this ‘I did it! I fucking did it!’ look on their face. Then I realised who he was. I would have liked to tell him that a) I wanted to marry him ten years ago b) I still had that poster and c) that I had met him a couple of times before. Albeit, I was too chicken to do so, so I just sat there, bright red, trying not to look, heart thumping. Very, very childish indeed. I’m sure there would have been no harm in saying hello. Somehow, I couldn’t. Dammit.

New pets!

Since I really can’t have a cat in my current living conditions and wanted some kind of pet again … after some deliberation, yesterday I acquired two baby rats! They’re white with red eyes, I can’t really tell them apart just yet, but, let me tell you, they’re a riot! They’re really inquisitive and quite tame already (the place I got them from had handled them nicely). When I open the cage door they come to the door, sniff my fingers and clamber onto my hand. Bless. Very smart, too! I put their little cardboard house upside down, they looked at it and made a concerted effort to push and drag it until it was a) the right way up and b) in exactly the same spot it had been in previously! They like yoghurt drop treats and take them from my hands with their little pink paws. So cute! No really, they are!

Weird thing is, I am petrified of sewer and ‘wild’ rats. Had one in my old flat once, it jumped out at 3am and eye witnesses inform me I jumped onto the sofa and screamed my head off for a good fifteen minutes.

But I like the pet ones! Does that make me a hypocrite? Guess it does a bit, but maybe I won’t be quite as scared next time one jumps out at me from me feed bin at the stables. I hope so, anyway.






Here is one of the little fellas. I think this one is Hubert, but it might be Basil. Hopefully, once they’ve grown and I get to know their personalities a bit better it will be easier to know who is who!

First impression of rats as pets is brilliant! They seem to interact a lot more than hamsters or guineapigs (although I LOVE guinea pigs, I really do!) and I can’t wait for them to be big and fat so they can have a run round the flat (they’re too small and wizzy to keep an eye on them at the moment).

The top whatever (un)romantic songs of indiedom

Milky Wimpshake – Dialling Tone

A close call between this one and ‘I want to be seen in Public with You’ and ‘I Love You, You Weirdo’! But Dialling Tone wins. Because it says ‘Your Boyfriend is so dull, he was probably born on Hull’ and ‘I even have my own record label, so come and sit at my table!’. I can relate to the latter. Only that when I did have my own record label, nobody did want to ‘come and sit at my table’ in that sense! I love Milky Wimpshake!!! They have a knack of putting words to the indie awkardness like nobody else. No really, they do (ok, I’m a bit pissed as I write this, but still …).

Dialling Tone is about wanting to phone someone and hanging up before they pick up the phone. Must have been written before mobiles and the ‘dial 1471’ option. Otherwise ‘they’ know you phoned.

Peptone – Candidate for Wax

I admit this is fairly obscure. It was on a Snakebite City compilation. It has a line in it that goes ‘and you smoke another kingsize as you wait for the phone’. Having done this sort of thing many times, I can relate to that one. I listened to this song a lot when I was waiting for this guy to call. This was over a decade ago. I did go out with said go for a short while, but the fact he was in a Death Metal band meant it was not going to happen. I could not take the embarrassment of having a boyfriend that dressed like fucking Kiss onstage, complete with black and white face makeup and a hell of a lot of leather. Erm, no, I don’t think so!!

I Wish I Was Him – Kathleen Hannah

Yes, that is her of Bikini Kill fame. The song is about Evan Dando. Obviously. And how he obtains his records via mailorder and how he is just so so cool. Its about finding someone so amazing you actually want to be them (I’d rather be Kathleen Hannah than Evan Dando actually, I hear from reliable sources he’s a bit of an arse!).

Marmor Stein und Eisen Bricht – Drafi Deutscher

Drafi Deutscher was imprisoned for exposing himself to children. Nice. Still, I kinda grew up with this song translates to ‘Marble, Stone and Iron breaks, but our love does not’. Odd, I know. Very German.). This was my parents wedding song (yikes!) and my dad played it in the car all the time. It really grew on me, and when I am feeling a bit down/silly I howl along to this at full volume.

Wenn du mich nicht willst – Lassie Singers

Sorry, another German one. Lassie Singers are a vaguely feminist pop/punk group that have been going under various pseudonyms for ages. I like them a lot. This one is about the conundrum that people only seem to like you when you don’t like them (treat them mean, keep them keen, I suppose) and what a shit idea it is to play along with this kind of headfuck. How very right they are. This sort of activity is very stupid indeed and should be avoided. If you have to resort to playing mindgames with people, it’s best not to bother at all.

Will You Still Care – The Crocketts

You see, I was intending on marrying the guy from the Crocketts when I was, well, younger. He has a missing tooth and is kinda cool. I saw him on the tube a little while ago. I had met him ages ago, but somehow I don’t think he remembered that. So I did not say hello when I saw him on the tube. Instead I grinned at him (he was obviously on a way to a gig, for he was lugging a guitar and amp around and got off at Camden), heart pounding (I still have a Crocketts poster on my wall. It marks the release of the Nintendo Phallacy EP and is quite tatty now), heart pounding like mad (I felt like I was a starstruck teenage again. Whoops) and praying to God he would get off soon before I made an idiot of myself.

Anyways, that song! It’s the one that goes ‘will you still care for me – I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO!’. This has helped me get over many a … is it wrong to call them boys now? It’s the sheer angriness of it (and the fact it has the word FUCK! In it!) that makes this such a fabulous tune.

Connie Francis – Schoener Fremder Mann

Another German one. Even though Connie Francis is blatantly not German. She did release quite a few songs in German though. And those made it into the family car’s glove box. My dad used to play this over and over again on the ten hour car journeys to Italy we did every year. Somehow, they got etched int my brain. This one is about beautiful strangers (note to self: don’t write ANYTHING when you’re somewhat tipsy on cider) and rather corny. But I do love her bizarre American accent. I remember the whole family singing along to this in the car (this one and other one about the little Italians – that one was highly non-PC!). Happy memories indeed.

Let’s Kiss and Listen To Bis - Mikrofisch

Ok, I shouldn’t drone on about my friend’s band. Silvia deserves better than being mentioned in some kind of bizarre drunken list of songs. BUT!! This song encompasses the heyday of music perfectly. Back when I did not have a real job. Back when I still did fanzines and things. Back when I listened to Bis A LOT. Admittedly, I don’t think I ever kissed anyone with Bis playing in the background (I probably could have done though, I went out with quite a few people who liked Bis!), but it’s a nice idea. This is one of those indie-reference song – ‘keep Sparky’s Dream alive and dance to Teenage Fanclub’. Awww. Bless. The it goes ‘hold on to the past and let it last forever …’. I wish I could. But I can’t. The second Bis reunion gig got cancelled because they didn’t sell enough tickets …. Dammit!! *I* sure had a ticket!!! Why cancel??

I’m pretty sure this song is some kind of pisstake or at least ironic. Still, when I first heard it I wept for joy.

Me and You vs The World – Space

Yes. I know. Space are not cool. I do love this song though. It’s very Bonnie and Clyde. Some sort of boy/girl robbery gone horribly wrong. And it’s quite catchy. So what’s not to like?

Things nobody seems to ever teach you

Washing machines

Did anyone ever take you to one side and explained to you how to wash your clothes without help? Me neither. A whirlwind of trial and error followed. I was 17 and had just moved out from my parents with a friend. We had a washing machine and no idea what to do with it. We settled on ‘everything at 40’ in the end. I still wash everything at 40 – unless I am feeling daring and go for a boilwash. And then realise that yes, the colour of the red top still runs after ten years and I have grey underwear once again. Why is there no crash course for this sort of thing?

Dusting

I have never managed this successfully with a duster. All it seems to do is spread more dust around. This seems rather pointless.

Making beds

Now I know that in theory you kind of flatten or fold the duvet and stick the pillow somewhere at the top. Only to then unravel it all again when you want to go to sleep. What’s the point?

Bleeding radiators

It’s cold. The radiators don’t seem to work. There’s always a male friend helpfully advising you to ‘bleed the radiators’. How the hell does that work? What will I do with all this blood? Is the blood boiling? Is that how they keep warm?

Cleaning windows properly

Spraying on windowcleaner and then wiping the contraption does not seem to work. Windows are left streaky and look no different to how they looked before you got started. How are you supposed to do this?

Excel

I don’t know anyone who has ever been trained on Excel before they used it for the first time. My first time with Excel was at a temping agency interview and I made it up as I went along. Having spoken to quite a few other people, it seems we’re all in the same boat. Nobody actually has any idea what they’re doing.

Look interested

An important skill! But how? Think of something interesting and you will instantly look interested even if you’re not. That doesn’t quite seem to work. Why not have courses to prepare you for those dull parties and boring conversations you will be forced to have in later life?

Things nobody seems to ever teach you

Washing machines

Did anyone ever take you to one side and explained to you how to wash your clothes without help? Me neither. A whirlwind of trial and error followed. I was 17 and had just moved out from my parents with a friend. We had a washing machine and no idea what to do with it. We settled on ‘everything at 40’ in the end. I still wash everything at 40 – unless I am feeling daring and go for a boilwash. And then realise that yes, the colour of the red top still runs after ten years and I have grey underwear once again. Why is there no crash course for this sort of thing?

Dusting

I have never managed this successfully with a duster. All it seems to do is spread more dust around. This seems rather pointless.

Making beds

Now I know that in theory you kind of flatten or fold the duvet and stick the pillow somewhere at the top. Only to then unravel it all again when you want to go to sleep. What’s the point?

Bleeding radiators

It’s cold. The radiators don’t seem to work. There’s always a male friend helpfully advising you to ‘bleed the radiators’. How the hell does that work? What will I do with all this blood? Is the blood boiling? Is that how they keep warm?

Cleaning windows properly

Spraying on windowcleaner and then wiping the contraption does not seem to work. Windows are left streaky and look no different to how they looked before you got started. How are you supposed to do this?

Excel

I don’t know anyone who has ever been trained on Excel before they used it for the first time. My first time with Excel was at a temping agency interview and I made it up as I went along. Having spoken to quite a few other people, it seems we’re all in the same boat. Nobody actually has any idea what they’re doing.

Look interested

An important skill! But how? Think of something interesting and you will instantly look interested even if you’re not. That doesn’t quite seem to work. Why not have courses to prepare you for those dull parties and boring conversations you will be forced to have in later life?